When I wrote
this piece, I did not have in mind for my audience members of Kevyn's family. My blog is read predominantly by theologians, ministers, Bible students, and smug people like that. For that reason, my thoughts were designed to be read by vocational ministers as a kind of warning, how
not to conduct a funeral ceremony. It was also written because I felt that somebody, somewhere, had to speak the truth about this tragedy, in defense of Tarrell, and the rest of Kevyn's family, even though I did not have Kevyn's family in mind as an audience.
I have heard reports that some members of Kevyn's family have misunderstood my intentions, while others have expressed to me gratitude for writing what I did. I'm writing this brief update simply to clarify what my intentions were in putting this up here. I stand in solidarity with Tarrell, and all of Kevyn's family in this. My anger toward the pastor who presided over the funeral was a direct product of my deep, deep love for Tarrell and Hiedi, and not least for Kevyn.
I wrote what I wrote to defend Kevyn, and Tarrell, from falsehoods propagated by the pastor in question. Predominantly, there were two falsehoods that I am obliged, out of my love for Tarrell, to speak out against: (1) God decided it was Kevyn's "time" to go. (2) Celebration, not grief, is the Christian response to Kevyn's death. There were many more lies spoken by the pastor (who I'm certain believes with every fiber of his being that these lies are truths), but these two are the ones with which I am the most concerned.
By objecting to these two falsehoods with a strong tone, I am defending Tarrell, and Hiedi, and all of Kevyn's loved ones, from the the condescending nature of this pastor's "answers" to the problem of Kevyn's death. In reality, and according to a right reading of the Scriptures, this man's "answers" are more destructive than helpful. While they may have temporarily served to console some or many attendees of the funeral, they are, quite simply, deceptions. And no deception is good for anybody, ever.
The stark truth about Kevyn's death is that it is indescribably terrible. It was random. There was no purpose to it. Kevyn did not die standing up for what he believed. He was not a victim of a murder. He was not killed in battle. He was not a martyr. He did not commit suicide. He was not sick. He was not old. He was not ready to be done here. His death was random, it was accidental, and it is that quality that makes it all the more devastating for those who love him. There was no heroism in his death. Neither is there anyone to blame for it. There is no good explanation for why he died, and that leaves those who love Kevyn incredibly confused, angry, and empty.
When the pastor claimed that God had "taken" Kevyn, because it was Kevyn's "time," the pastor was falsely manufacturing an answer in order to ease the pain of those who missed Kevyn. God did not "take" Kevyn. The Bible teaches that God utterly hates death, that God mourns death, and that God has worked tirelessly to conquer death. Christians hope in the resurrection of the dead, but that does not mean that death has ceased to be a great evil for which there is no satisfying answer. God is not happy about Kevyn's death. God wanted to use Kevyn here, to help Kevyn grow up in love and compassion, to care for the weak, to defend the powerless, to pursue peace and justice. God wanted to use Kevyn to help transform some of the suffering in this world into joy. When Kevyn died, God lost too. God lost a potential vessel of his love and justice on this earth.
It is important that we realize that God did not create human beings to live eternally as disembodied spirits. The Bible teaches that God created us for life on earth, everlasting life on earth, and that the redemption at the end of the age will also be the redemption of a decaying and broken world. God wants us
here, the Bible teaches. He wants us in our bodies, so that we can do good to other bodies. That is why we were made, and death is a great enemy of God. Death is not our friend. It is not the friend of Christians. Christians believe that in the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth, God won the victory over death, but Christians also know that death is yet to be finally overthrown. Until then, it is still our enemy.
The shortest, and one of the most profound verses in the Bible, takes place when Jesus is standing outside the tomb of his late friend Lazarus. The Bible says, simply, "Jesus wept." Jesus abhors death. It throws him into mourning, and although he has power over death, that power is not yet a normal part of our experience. And so we cry out to God. In our mourning we cry out to him, "When, O God, will you finally lay waste Death, our great enemy? When will you undo this great evil?"
Death is not a time for giving answers. Death is a time for asking questions. It is a time for mourning, not for celebration. It is a time for weeping, not for jubilation. If a pastor talks about death like it's no big deal, it's clear that he's no big reader of the Bible, and that he's no big respecter of those who are mourning. This pastor did Kevyn's family a remarkable disservice by preaching an unbiblical message designed to cover over the pervasive reality of Death's grip over this wretched world. Shame on him for it!
My intention in writing what I wrote below was to help other ministers not to do other families the same disservice in the future, and my intention in writing this addendum is to speak the truth to Kevyn's family: There is no way through your grief other than to grieve. God is grieving with you, and so am I.
Peace.
8 Comments:
It's Daisy again. I admire your restraint in dealing with the (dangerously inept) pastor, and applaud your response to his message.
My way of dealing with people who dared to suggest that my daughter's similar sudden and violent death was God's way of saying "Welcome home", was to look them straight in the eye, and ask them if they seriously believed a loving God would intend such a thing as his perfect plan for her life. That shut them up for a few seconds.
But...the events that surrounded my daughter's death convinced me that God was in control of the aftermath. It was if he looked down and said "Shit, that wasn't meant to happen!", and got to work to let us know that he was there in the thick of it.
I will not list those things, for they don't mean much to those who don't know us or our circumstances, but it was enough to give me the assurance that He was in charge, and that we didn't need to be worried for our daughter, as she was in the safest hands there are.
I would like to encourage you in what you are doing in supporting Kevyn's family, and acting as a foil for the damaging stuff that is spouted at times like these.
I would have been VERY tempted to thump that pastor. Extremely tempted.
That you didn't, and that you have given so much thought and angst to this subject shows that you are one of the good guys.
Thanks Thom!
Out of reflection on death, I have become a somewhat inconsistent process theologian. I cannot get process theology to fit everything Scripture says about God's omniscience and omnipotence easily. Some parts work better than others. But I have to affirm LOVE over sheer power. I have to affirm that in every situation God is doing ALL God can do (in the context of a created world and creatures of free will, etc.) to defeat suffering, evil, and death.
A God who could prevent the Holocaust but chose not to would be a monster. A God who allowed the slaughter of the innocent children in Bethlehem would be a monster. A God who "takes" even one person because it is their "time" would be unworthy of worship.
I reject the Greek notion of immortality of the soul. I embrace body/soul unity and the true Christian hope of resurrection of the body.
Comfort in grief is not easy. But false comfort is worse. This was clergy malpractice at its worst.
I hope the Morangs understand. They are in my prayers.
I am Kevyn's Mother. I don't have an arguement with anything you have written here, But your handling of calling the preacher and thrashing him the way you did was wrong also. You should let God take care of it not make yourself the giver of his punishment. I know him personally and I know he had only the best of intentions. If he mis spoke or lied as you say God will deal with him in his way I don't think it was for you to judge. I believe if anyone had the right to say anything that person wasn't you. I pray for you both and I am sorry the 2 of you had to use my son's death to have your battle. I know God is taking care of my son. My family was brought up in church and they know we are not to follow man but to seek God out for ourselves. I believe your tongue is a two edged sword that is to be used against satan not to hurt your fellow brother in christ. Even though you dis agree with him there are more constructive ways to deal with it. I hope you can come to peace in your own spirit so you don't lash out at anyone else. Please leave my son's death to me my family and GOD. Thank you! Sandra
Sandra,
Thank you for your comments. My perspective on the matter is a bit different from yours, but I'm not going to respond to all your concerns in this forum. Please note that I am taking them seriously, and that you can call me anytime if you'd like to seriously talk about them. I doubt that's the case, but the invitation is always open. I will say that I am not interfering with your family. However, Tarrell has not asked me to stay out of his way, and I will continue to try to be the right kind of presence in his life. My prayers continue to be with you.
I know that in sixty years I have not encountered a more misguided, backward thinking, egoistic fool than you, Mr. Thom Stark. My God— you even lacked the magnanimity not to exalt yourself as a seriously concerned authority who will continue to pray that the mother of the deceased comes to see her concerns from your superior point of view. . .
Man's conceit often outruns his reason and eludes his logic; but you're so far from the truth of things of a spiritual nature that you may well be an unwitting secularist.
If you do in fact survive this life in the flesh through a sincere acceptance of the gracious gift of our heavenly Father, namely eternal life— I intend to look you up on the next world to see and hear from your new mouth how much you've learned through your own death and resurrection. It should be a moment worth remembering, in the face of one who will have so many to forget. That is, if you do in fact, survive.
Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, Saitia. Keep praying for me, would you?
I just wanted to stop in and say thank you for your perspective. I don't know how I stumbled across your blog but feel that it was a blessing that I did, today.
Friday, a family friend died from a massive heart attack. He was just 47 years old, left his wife and four children. As I sat with her, to just listen, to mourn the loss of my friend, her husband, she was comforting herself by saying, "I know that it was just his time, that God took him home but it hurts so bad." I didn't say anything to her, just listened. But later, as I left, I told her that I am really going to miss her husband and that quite honestly, I think it's shitty that his life ended so soon, leaving her and the children.
Yes, God's strength, comfort and peace will get her through this time but I can't believe that God just "takes people home" I believe that God weeps with her and their children, deeply grieved.
The service was called a celebration service which I foolishly believed might be about celebrating his life ... but no, it was intended more like you described ... celebrating his transport into heaven. I couldn't help but think how his family, the sisters and brothers felt, since they don't know Jesus, to hear his son say that he was excited to know his father is with Jesus.
The service was pretty mild compared to what you described but I have been in those as well.
Grief is a process that needs to be encouraged. In this culture we want to deal with things quickly, almost like we are sweeping the body under the carpet ... out of sight, out of mind. I think we need to slow down; let the impact settle on us, mourn, grieve, bury the body, mourn, grieve. I am afraid our hurriedness and our Christian encouragements may hinder the process.
Again, I think you are correct in your perspective and hopefully people will be more understanding of what their words imply.
My gosh, I'm sorry for some of the harsh words spoken here, Thom. Things could be said with much more grace and understanding to you than they have been, especially since your writing was meant to help and not harm, to push our understanding and thoughts forward and not backward. And the essay that you wrote did help ME - helped me to understand death and that it can be grieved, among other things.
Thanks Thom,
-Tyler
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